Invention

If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

-Voltaire

If Dick Cheney didn't exist, he would be invented by a communist propogandist.
-Me

A Letter

Here is a letter I just wrote to my health insurance provider, Tonik. (A subsidiary of Blue Cross aiming at the post-college demographic)

From: pfrance@gmail.com
Date: June 13, 2007 10:48:21 PM GMT+04:00
To: tonikhealth@wellpoint.com

To Whom It Concerns,

As a member of Tonik for over a year now, I would like to inform you of some concerns that I have come to have with your program.
I understand that Tonik sells policies aimed to a specific demographic; namely, recent college graduates - many of whom who have probably recently become ineligible for their parents' policy - who are looking for a rather basic policy that they can afford. In that, you have certainly succeeded; I, after all, thought it reasonable enough to subscribe.
My concern, however, is that you have have taken the advice of your marketing advisors too far. In order to believe that you have mounted an effective marketing campaign and have constructed a useful product image you would have to believe the following things:

1) People of my demographic appeal to tastelessly colored neon backgrounds on web-pages.
2) Condescending to your clients by titling the booklet containing the actual terms of the policy 'the fine print' is an important aspect of your product image. (Apparently proper punctuation - including capital letters - is, like, so unhip!)
3) Your target demographic is more likely to respond to verbal marketing that uses the word 'like' gratuitously thrown into sentences.
I recently received an email from your company whose subject line read 'Do we, like, rock your world?'
4) Recent college graduates like myself respond better to hackneyed movie-speak and vacuous phrases than to substantive communication. (see above)
5) Your clients are more likely to respond to a survey if you couch the request in oh-so-punk-rock terms of 'selling out.' 'Have we sold out by getting so popular?' your latest email seems to ask, 'let us know!'

I realize that all of this is part and parcel of a non-formal image that you are trying to project to potential clients who may feel overwhelmed by the daunting challenge of selecting their first health insurance policy. And I am sure you have invested a fair amount of money in market surveys, case studies, and focus groups. And yet... and yet, I can't help but believe that your interests would be better served by finding an image less condescending and ridiculous. Surely you can follow some other, more respectful path while still emphasizing informality.

Respectfully,
Peter France


What prompted this unsolicited marketing advice? Well, their last email sorta sent me over the edge. Take a gander (looking especially at the subject line):

From the 'Mote in thy Brother's Eye' Dept.

Behind these astonishing achievements was the triumph of freedom in the battle of ideas. The communists had an imperial ideology that claimed to know the directions of history. But in the end, it was overpowered by ordinary people who wanted to live their lives, and worship their God, and speak the truth to their children. The communists had the harsh rule of Brezhnev, and Honecker, and Ceausescu. But in the end, it was no match for the vision of Walesa and Havel, the defiance of Sakharov and Sharansky, the resolve of Reagan and Thatcher, and fearless witness of John Paul. From this experience, a clear lesson has emerged: freedom can be resisted, and freedom can be delayed, but freedom cannot be denied.
President Bush. June 5 2007

Others understand the historic importance of our work. The terrorists know. They know that a vibrant, successful democracy at the heart of the Middle East will discredit their radical ideology of hate. (Applause.) They know that men and women with hope and purpose and dignity do not strap bombs on their bodies and kill the innocent. (Applause.) The terrorists are fighting freedom with all their cunning and cruelty because freedom is their greatest fear -- and they should be afraid, because freedom is on the march. (Applause.)

I believe in the transformational power of liberty: The wisest use of American strength is to advance freedom. As the citizens of Afghanistan and Iraq seize the moment, their example will send a message of hope throughout a vital region. Palestinians will hear the message that democracy and reform are within their reach, and so is peace with our good friend, Israel. (Applause.) Young women across the Middle East will hear the message that their day of equality and justice is coming. Young men will hear the message that national progress and dignity are found in liberty, not tyranny and terror. Reformers, and political prisoners, and exiles will hear the message that their dream of freedom cannot be denied forever. And as freedom advances -- heart by heart, and nation by nation -- America will be more secure and the world more peaceful. (Applause.)

President Bush, September 2, 2004